Things to get off my chest, not to be dwelt upon.

It is one o'clock in the morning. I am still awake, mostly because I am afraid of going to sleep. I had a terrible doctor's visit, a hard phone call to deal with and a second rotten day at work. Really, only two rotten days not so bad, but it just HAD to be today.

Really my day started with nightmares. Some of which I won't expound on because they are too specific. One that is humorous is I dreamed that I was going into a marching band competition. The girls I used to play the base drum with were all there and they had forgotten that it has been 6 years since I have played. They just assumed I knew the music and we were getting ready to march onto the field. I was given ONE glance at the music and off I went.

Many of you may not know that when I competed in Miss Idaho, I forgot my music. I sat for 2 min on stage making the biggest fool of myself. I had memorized it and I sat down to play and NOTHING. This has haunted me ever since. Hence the "i don't know my music" part of the nightmare. Something that should be included is, I still to this day have to force myself to play in front of people because I am terrified. It's so embarrassing because I WILL mess up. I am not talking a few missed notes, I will crash and burn. Even the simplest hymn=catastrophe.

This is supposed to somehow explain why the band/music/performance thing is still haunting me.

I am having pregnancy nightmares. Enough that I am waking up with anxiety attacks. These I will NOT to into detail about. Just note that I am feeling like I am losing control over my emotions. I feel this way because my subconscious is doing what I have worked so hard to not let myself fall into. I have tried to stay positive but it isn't working for the part of my brain that runs at night.

I have also started to have nightmares about every decision that has ever been hard for me. I am drumming up things about my ex-boyfriends that I liked and I will wake up feeling guilty for the way those relationships turned out. Sometimes its being publicly humiliated for it. And sometimes its me living the life that I missed out on had I married each of the people I ever dated. Note that this includes both long and short relationships I ever had.

I don't want to go to sleep because I am afraid of what will happen tonight. I feel like I need to cry all the time. It's making work really hard because, while it doesn't look like I am emotionally tied to being mean to small children, it hurts so bad every time I have to be the dictator and in turn I am yelled at. I think my heart is a little bigger than it was before so when there is an emotional breakdown, I feel like it's my kid and I am hurting along with them.

I feel a little detached from people because I really want to just pour my heart out to anyone who will listen, but they don't know what to say. I can't handle people being insensitive anymore. I am tired of being tough, I just want for someone to be aware of my presence. I know that is unfair, but just once can't someone stick up for me and notice that I might not be alright. Now if you as the reader have ever talked to me in person about the way I might be feeling, or made an effort to comfort me, I am not talking about you. It is the people that know but choose to pretend like nothing is wrong. My sister in law, whom I hardly ever/never talk to had a personal chat with me. I am deeply moved because of all people to reach out, she is the LAST one on my list. I say this because it was probably the only real conversation I have ever had with her. I was shocked to find out that she learned through the grape vine about the twins. I didn't even know that the people she ratted out had any awareness.

I will admit, I am tired. This incoherent rant is just that, incoherent. I am finding myself falling into a pit of negative thinking. This is not to say that I am not grateful, or that I don't pursue happy positive thoughts and activities. If at any point you as the reader thought to yourself "she just needs to count her blessings." I would like to calmly point out, how on earth do you think I have made it this far without totally hating the world. I don't hate anyone, nor do I wish ill upon anyone that has what I want. I want it to be known that I am expressing frustration and sadness that I have kept bottled up. If I don't let it out, it's probably going to ferment and we all know that anything fermented doesn't lead to good places.

I do have a lot of good things going for me, and the Lord still has mercy on my soul to continue to bless me. Just to make up for the negativity here are the good things going on in my life:

Kyle and Tessa are back ready to do fun things.

We move to a new apartment with AC on Thursday.

I am getting tanner.

My fish are still alive .

I get a snack pack pudding every day.

I also get at least one hug from someone other than Jack every day too.

I just got back the most beautiful bridal pictures of myself, that I love.

I have the option of being very busy every day.

I have a vacuum that works well.

I get to watch FRIENDS every day.

My toenails are quite glittery and beautiful in the sunlight.

Last but not least, I know that I am Loved.



P.S. I am not looking for comments that show pity for me. If you really have something to share, it would mean more if I got an email or phone call. Otherwise I am only looking for compliments to my physical features or and answer to the statement "you wouldn't know this about Amanda but she ________."