I project that I was working up to 7 1/2 weeks along. Jack and I both project that we think that I didn't even implant properly in the first place.
Don't get me wrong I am sad. This sucks.
The story continues with me waking up this morning not being able to move my arms or neck. I project that my body can't take anymore crying. Jack projects that my body is reacting severely to the stress of it all. Our projections kind of go together.
I bawled and bawled on Friday. I had no desire to talk to anyone at all. Today I woke up wanting to bawl, but due to my stupid arms and neck, it hurt way to bad to allow myself to bawl. So now I am Mad.
It is not fair that I had to lose my babies, and then the glimmer of good things to come, well, left. I, again, am falling back to my sad times of avoiding pregnancy news. I hate that I get so upset by other people having children. I also hate that I spent months of people saying "don't worry, at least you know you can get pregnant." Well guess what, looks like it's harder than you thought you people that weren't living through it.
Anyway, really I knew this was a possibility. 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. 25% of those 20% miscarry twice in a row. Somebody has to be the statistic.
My doctor, whom I have decided to trust completely, sat me down last March and discussed with me how I need to trust that my body knows what it's doing. If things aren't right it will take care of it. On the same note if they aren't right many times in a row, my body again is letting me know that it needs some assistance. So I wait.
Now here I write my expectations of other people, because if you don't know what I want, you as a person that might care, will inevitably offend me. I don't want to talk on the phone. I get the most comfort from a small message. (the catch there is not voicemail message or one that is expected that I respond.) I am kind of offending myself for being so blunt. But I found months ago that the biggest thing was my expectations of other people and the reason they weren't meeting them is they just didn't know what to say or do. I just need a hello.
For the record, it really wasn't a scary experience. It hurt, a lot. But, lucky for me I have lots of drugs left over from before that helped me get through it. Oddly enough I knew exactly what was going on. Even stranger, I knew how to handle it. It was/is messy and not fun. My body is tired.
I have been working A LOT lately. I currently work 3 jobs. I barely have time for myself, and by the time I do, it's time for bed.
The good news is I have had a lot of time to edit pictures. So I have been doing that. More good news, we can keep trying for more children.
Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. Sugar is sweet and so are you :D
ReplyDeleteI just wanted you to know. That I had two miscarriages in a row. the first one I was six weeks along and the second one I was almost four months. I am so sorry, and there isn't any words for me to say to comfort you, because that is all that people want to do for you, but still in the end you feel an emptyness inside. I can tell you one thing. Don't give up on your dream!!! People say, oh you can try again, but those words don't seem to help when you are in so much pain. I feel for you and I would love to be there for you or if you just need to vent I will listen and not say anything. :)
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