I have had a crappy weekend so far

Here is the run down. Friday I left extremely early from work because I had started to miscarry. I wish the story ended, "but I got home and I didn't. "However, that is not true at all.

I project that I was working up to 7 1/2 weeks along. Jack and I both project that we think that I didn't even implant properly in the first place.

Don't get me wrong I am sad. This sucks.

The story continues with me waking up this morning not being able to move my arms or neck. I project that my body can't take anymore crying. Jack projects that my body is reacting severely to the stress of it all. Our projections kind of go together.

I bawled and bawled on Friday. I had no desire to talk to anyone at all. Today I woke up wanting to bawl, but due to my stupid arms and neck, it hurt way to bad to allow myself to bawl. So now I am Mad.

It is not fair that I had to lose my babies, and then the glimmer of good things to come, well, left. I, again, am falling back to my sad times of avoiding pregnancy news. I hate that I get so upset by other people having children. I also hate that I spent months of people saying "don't worry, at least you know you can get pregnant." Well guess what, looks like it's harder than you thought you people that weren't living through it.

Anyway, really I knew this was a possibility. 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. 25% of those 20% miscarry twice in a row. Somebody has to be the statistic.

My doctor, whom I have decided to trust completely, sat me down last March and discussed with me how I need to trust that my body knows what it's doing. If things aren't right it will take care of it. On the same note if they aren't right many times in a row, my body again is letting me know that it needs some assistance. So I wait.

Now here I write my expectations of other people, because if you don't know what I want, you as a person that might care, will inevitably offend me. I don't want to talk on the phone. I get the most comfort from a small message. (the catch there is not voicemail message or one that is expected that I respond.) I am kind of offending myself for being so blunt. But I found months ago that the biggest thing was my expectations of other people and the reason they weren't meeting them is they just didn't know what to say or do. I just need a hello.

For the record, it really wasn't a scary experience. It hurt, a lot. But, lucky for me I have lots of drugs left over from before that helped me get through it. Oddly enough I knew exactly what was going on. Even stranger, I knew how to handle it. It was/is messy and not fun. My body is tired.

I have been working A LOT lately. I currently work 3 jobs. I barely have time for myself, and by the time I do, it's time for bed.

The good news is I have had a lot of time to edit pictures. So I have been doing that. More good news, we can keep trying for more children.

My Bridals, Post Wedding

A while ago, my good friend Macey did my bridals for me. These occurred a year after I had been married, and been pregnant with twins. So I look a little different. Manly, I was carrying baby weight still and I carried it in my face. However, despite my physical attributes holding me back, Macey did a wonderful job.

Here is the other thing, she also edited a lot of them. THEN she gave them to me THEN we moved and NOW I can not find the disk. So these are the beautiful pictures that she took that I edited. I say that so if she sees them here, she has every right to judge my work.

Really, this was a wonderful experience. Jenna and Julie came too, and they were so fun. Jenna did my hair and Julie posed me. It may make it to the top ten wonderful things that I did this year.

I remember once in park place having a quiting bench. Looking back at some blog entries, I also had a quiting wall. I quit a lot.

This is me foretelling the future. The quiting bench will once again rear it's ugly head in the next 6 months. I could have used it a few months ago, so perhaps I will be able to do some really quiting on behalf of those disgruntled times.

I had to call and check up on some car insurance stuff today. I was a little irritated going into the phone call. While on the phone with automated lady she asked me to state what my call was regarding to better serve me. I then yelled that I was disgruntled. She said she didn't understand and that I would be better off talking to a representative. I was.

I took some pictures of Brittany's children today. I posted them elsewhere because I want to let Brittany do with them what she will first, that way I don't step on her toes. I will post them here on a future date that is unknown because here is where people actually read and not where I put them. I enjoy the secret.

Now I will go to bed. Estoy muy consado.

This should have been me

a jumble of things I want to talk about

Summer with the BRASC kids is over. Sad. I had a wonderful time being able to use my brain at work. I would display pictures, but I am not allowed to. I will enjoy them in my head and the rest of you will have to imagine.

I now have a different job as a secretary. My cohort's name is Amber. She and I are going to take ballet. This is exciting to me.

Here are somethings that I have been meaning to update about:

I found this little beauty at a little thrift shop in main street for $4. For four lovely dollars I cleaned it up and gave it a little coat of paint....

And it instantly became my new favorite thing here in the living room. Meet our new TV stand.
Here a few moments I wanted to capture on the blog about the Hansen camping trip. This little guy was SO excited that he caught a fish I couldn't get him to hold still long enough to get a good shot.
His brother informed me that he in fact caught it, but he let Blake reel it in. Blake wanted to make sure I got a good shot of the fins.
There was a lot of work at the cabin. Work that is right. This is my dad, he is doing something with the saw.
This is Isaac, he is breaking rules, not working.
This is my dad and Ren putting up the siding.
this is my dad caulking the siding.
Lindsey also treated us with a new song complete with dancers.


Here are a few shots from the demolition derby that we went to. this truck lit on fire. It was QUITE exciting.
Then there was a lull in the show. So this brave little fellow ran into the middle of the arena.
a few more of his buddies joined in once they saw nothing was going to happen to them. Note the kid doing an amazing flip. He did these a lot and was a very dirty boy. If he were my kid I would have hosed him down before he got in my car. Given I had a nicer one than I do now.
This guy and his buddy thought it would be funny to walk amongst the young ones and embarrassed himself. However, his buddy left long before he noticed. So most of the time it was just him looking like a fool.

I am sure I have more pictures somewhere, but I can't find them. I have too many projects going on all at once.

Whitney's wedding is this weekend more excitement to come.

McKie Campout

Over pioneer day the McKie family went to my family's cabin for a camp out. If there is one thing I could pick to remember it was the food. My mother-in-law knows how to cook for an army.

The second thing would be the slide. Sure there were horses, but I am allergic to horses so that part didn't thrill me. From what I understand, they all had a wonderful time riding around for hours. That is great because that means I got plenty of time to play with my camera and nap.

I guess the family loved the slide as well because even the adults seemed to be crazy about it. they started to make human jumps, we found tube so we could go off the end. Every one came off bruised somewhere, but it really was worth all the pain for all the excitement.